Category Archives: Relationships

Be There for Others

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“Be there for others, but never leave yourself behind.”

-Dodinsky, New York Times bestselling author

QC #925

Some of the most frequent coaching assignments I engage in are focused on leadership development. The volume of resources on this subject is staggering, which points to the universal desire and need for this very important skill.

Much has been written in recent years about servant leadership, in which a high priority is placed on serving key stakeholders such as customers and of course, employees. Sometimes so much attention is placed on others that the leader can overlook or completely miss their own needs. Yet, they must attend to themselves if they are to serve others at the highest level.

EXERCISE:

In what way do you need to satisfy your own needs so that you can serve others in your personal and professionals lives?

Everyone you meet

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“Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.”

-Wendy Mass, Author

Image from flickr by Jennifer

Image from flickr by Jennifer

One of the great honors of being a coach is the fact that people open up far more completely than in your typical daily discussions. It is not uncommon for clients to share some of their most difficult and challenging issues, because they realize a greater likelihood of progress is possible when they acknowledge their difficulties.

My experience of over 20 years and well over 1,000 clients points to the fact that virtually everyone has battles and burdens.

EXERCISE:

How would bringing greater kindness and compassion to your interactions today bring greater strength and capacities to those around you, who are fighting battles of which you are not aware?

Be a Zapper

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“Be a Zapper, not a Sapper!”

—William Byham, Ph.D.

QC #922

Over my many years of coaching, I’ve found that the more simple an idea or behavior is, the more likely it is to be understood, applied, and habituated. When it comes to relationship development and creating empowering successful organizational cultures, today’s quote packs a ton of value in only six words.

The act of Zapping involves interaction with others in an energizing and positive manner. Examples are:

  • Being genuinely interested in others
  • Listening carefully and completely to what others are saying
  • Being open and receptive to the point of view of others
  • Looking for value in what others say and do
  • Saying Please and Thank You
  • Acknowledging the contribution of others

The act of Sapping involves the opposite behavior, in which others experience draining and energy-reducing interactions. Examples are:

  • Being judgmental and critical of others’ ideas and behaviors
  • Not listening to others, or ignoring them
  • Taking credit for others ideas or achievements
  • Interrupting, or not allowing others to express their views
  • Gossiping
  • Betrayal of confidences
  • Lying or being unethical

EXERCISE:

Create a Zapping/Sapping log book in which you can capture these daily energy boosters or drainers.

Request feedback from those around you. Work to increase your Zapping, and reduce your Sapping.

Consider picking up a copy of Zapp! The Lightning of Empowerment by William Byham, and consider sharing this resource with others in your communities.

Raise Your Words

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“Raise your words not your voice. It is rain that grows flowers not thunder.”

-Rumi, 13th-century Persian poet, theologian, and Sufi mystic

Image from www.stuckindc.com

Image from www.stuckindc.com

A fundamental conversation I have with each new coaching client involves the qualities and characteristics of effective leaders.

The characteristics describing effective leaders include: visionary, passionate, inspiring, empowering, service-oriented, having integrity, and being approachable. The words these leaders use to speak about their views of a better future are like the rain to a flower. They help people and organizations grow.

Alternatively, we have all seen the “Thundering Taskmaster” types who repress and suppress those around them and often create environments of fear, intimidation, and retribution.

EXERCISE:

What can you do to be the kind of leader that attracts followers by raising your words rather than your voice?

A Little Help

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“I get by with a little help from my friends.”

—Lennon & McCartney, co-founders of The Beatles

image from crwi.wordpress.com

image from crwi.wordpress.com

About a month ago, my wife Wendy and I had an opportunity to attend a Beatles tribute concert. As members of the Baby Boom Generation, it definitely took us on a trip down memory lane.

Of particular note were some of the quote-worthy lyrics by the Beatles, including today’s message. In a way, I think they were actually understating the extraordinary value provided by our most cherished and genuine friends.

EXERCISE:

How can you do far more than simply “get by” with a little help from your friends? In what ways can you return this gesture in kind?

ThanksGiving

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“I am grateful for what I am and have. My Thanksgiving is perpetual.”

—Henry David Thoreau, American author, poet, and philosopher

QC #912Thanksgiving is a United States holiday celebrated every fourth Thursday of November since Abraham Lincoln proclaimed a national day of “thanks-giving and praise to our beneficent father who dwelt in the heavens,” in 1863.

Thoreau’s quote suggests a value 365 times that of this single November day, coaching us to embrace and express the gratitude and thanks we can experience and express on a daily basis.

EXERCISE:

In what ways can you be perpetually thankful to help yourself and others in your communities live a more full and richly rewarding life?

Make yourself worth knowing

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“Don’t worry so much about knowing the right people. Just make yourself worth knowing.”

–Author Unknown

QC #910A number of years ago I read a book by Dr. Wayne Baker from the University of Michigan titled Achieving Success Through Social Capital. A key take-away from this well-researched book was that, without question, relationships are valuable.

We have all heard phrases such as, It’s not what you know, but who you know, that counts, pointing to the power of being connected to these centers of influence and super-connectors. One challenge with the advent of social media and the huge demands it puts on our time is that getting to know the “right people” can be difficult.

Today’s quote suggest that instead of the old push or pursuit strategy to meet these individuals, we instead work on ourselves to attract and pull people to us and the value they perceive we provide.

EXERCISE:

What one or two qualities or abilities could you more fully develop in yourself to make yourself an even more desirable person worth knowing?

Appreciation

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“Appreciation is a wonderful thing; it makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well.”

—Author Unknown

Image from jewishfed.org

Image from jewishfed.org

Who doesn’t want to live an even more full and abundant life? We have all heard the statement that we can have virtually anything we want in life, we just can’t have everything. We must be prepared to make certain trade-offs. To have more of this or that we need intentionally to have less of something else. If we choose to start something new we often must stop something else.

A caveat to this thought involves exercising our appreciation muscles, so the excellence that surrounds us each day is available whenever we wish.

EXERCISE:

How can you expand your capacity to appreciate the riches and wonders of life all around you, to lead an even more full and abundantly rewarding life?

Leading the Pack

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“Throw me to the wolves and I will return leading the pack.”

—Author Unknown

Image from www.fanpop.com

Image from www.fanpop.com

Today’s quote makes me think of the times my clients state that a colleague, coworker, or client “threw them under the bus.”  In almost all cases, they say it was in an unfair, unjust, and detrimental way.

Blaming, bullying, one-upmanship, and office politics are common occurrences. How we respond to such attacks, and how we rise above their potential negative impacts is a skill which we could all benefit from time to time.

EXERCISE:

A book that I have read numerous times over the years – The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz – points to fundamental ideas that can help us all return, leading the pack, when we are thrown to the wolves. They are:

  1. Be impeccable with your word
  2. Don’t take anything personally
  3. Don’t make assumptions
  4. Always do your best

“Be brave enough…”

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“Be brave enough to start a conversation that matters.”

—Author Unknown

QC #889

One of my favorite and most recommended books on effective communications is titled “Fierce Conversations” by Susan Scott.

The word “fierce” can be defined as robust, intense, strong, powerful, passionate, eager, and unbridled – all of which point to the impact the conversation can make if held with positive intent and mastery.

The problem on many occasions is that most of us avoid such conversations due to the fear that often accompanies high-stakes situations.

EXERCISE:

Where is it necessary in either your personal or professional life to summon the courage to have more fierce conversations?

Consider reading and studying Scott’s book to tackle tough challenges, tap into your deep aspirations, and enrich the relationships that matter most in your life.