“Does the other person want to be helped, hugged, or heard?”

—Charles Duhigg, American journalist and non-fiction author

Image from Unsplash by Justin Follis

This quote was brought to my attention by Rohan Rajiv, who has been writing the wonderful daily blog “A Learning a Day” for over 16 years.

Since most of us are in conversations throughout our days, I found this question to be an excellent framework to enhance my many relationships — including in my work as a coach.

If we determine that an individual is seeking to be helped, they are most likely seeking advice and solutions to specific problems with concrete actions.

The people in our lives looking for hugs emphasize the desire for social connections, validation, and sense of love and belonging.

Although we all like to be heard, these folks in particular have a strong need to be understood and want to be supported emotionally without being offered direct advice and solutions.

EXERCISE:

In what ways can you keep Duhigg’s question in mind as you interact with the people in your professional and personal communities? How clear are you about your own wants and needs to be helped, hugged, and heard?