Tag Archives: belonging

“Does the other person want to be helped, hugged, or heard?”

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“Does the other person want to be helped, hugged, or heard?”

—Charles Duhigg, American journalist and non-fiction author

Image from Unsplash by Justin Follis

This quote was brought to my attention by Rohan Rajiv, who has been writing the wonderful daily blog “A Learning a Day” for over 16 years.

Since most of us are in conversations throughout our days, I found this question to be an excellent framework to enhance my many relationships — including in my work as a coach.

If we determine that an individual is seeking to be helped, they are most likely seeking advice and solutions to specific problems with concrete actions.

The people in our lives looking for hugs emphasize the desire for social connections, validation, and sense of love and belonging.

Although we all like to be heard, these folks in particular have a strong need to be understood and want to be supported emotionally without being offered direct advice and solutions.

EXERCISE:

In what ways can you keep Duhigg’s question in mind as you interact with the people in your professional and personal communities? How clear are you about your own wants and needs to be helped, hugged, and heard?

“When you feel the swell of life around you, simply drift…..”

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“When you feel the swell of life around you, simply drift…”

—Mark Nepo, Author of The Book of Awakening

Image from Unsplash by Osman Rana

How often do you feel the tender and inspiring aspect of life around you?

Who are the people, where are the places, and what are the things that lift you up and carry you through your days?

Where do you experience a strong sense of resonance and belonging that touches your heart and soul?

How long do you linger in these moments?

Explore this list to see if any of these events strike a chord:

  • The embrace of a loved one
  • Observing acts of kindness or generosity
  • Children playing
  • The many beautiful aspects of nature
  • Examples of personal excellence and mastery
  • Music
  • Art

EXERCISE:

Create a list of 5-10 moments in which you feel the swell of life. How can you linger and drift with these feelings more fully and more often?

“Don’t gain the world and lose your soul; wisdom is better than silver or gold.”

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“Don’t gain the world and lose your soul; wisdom is better than silver or gold.”

—Bob Marley, 20th Century Jamaican singer/songwriter

Image from Unsplash by Steve Harvey

How strongly do you “fit” and experience a sense of belonging in your personal and professional communities?

To what degree do your beliefs and core values align and resonate with others at home and at work?

Where may you be looking the other way or squinting a bit as you view your world, due to the benefits and payoffs some of your communities or associations provide?

What, if any, soul-diminishing effects are you experiencing due to certain decisions or indecision?

EXERCISE:

What wise and perhaps courageous choices and actions can and will you take to strengthen your soulful foundations toward an even more richly rewarding life?